It seems like yesterday when your pre-teen was a toddler, dressed as a princess, twirling around the living room. Her eyes full of wonder, her hugs, daily and heartfelt. Her sweet voice made the whole family giggle, and bubble baths and bedtime prayers were a constant. It was routine. It was... long ago.
Now, the hugs aren't as often, still heartfelt, but somehow different. Her voice is deeper, and her smiles not as frequent. Some of the wonder has left her eyes, not from anything you've done, but from merely getting older. You close your eyes, picturing her as a toddler, playing Candyland and baby dolls.
Much to your surprise, your pre-teen may be thinking the same thing about you. How you used to be—engaged in her every action and spoken word, remembering how you would laugh whenever she would say hec-i-lopter instead of helicopter. Now, you're giving her orders to clean her room, and to lose the attitude. She wants to scream and cry at the same time, because her body is changing and her hormones are raging, but she doesn't know how to communicate how that's affecting her.
The following lists five ways to possibly communicate with your pre-teen girl. I'm not an expert on the matter, other than surviving puberty myself, and having raised a pre-teen daughter. Hopefully, you'll find this information helpful.
#1 Be there: Being present is essential. For example, if you notice she's lingering in the kitchen a little longer after dinner, without looking at her, you might nonchalantly say, "You know you can tell me anything." If she doesn't open up that day, just knowing her mom is there for her, is everything.
#2 Relate: Relatability is key. If you're not on the same page as your daughter, you may want to start by agreeing with her on something. For instance, if she were to say, "This girl, Cammy, told the teacher to stop being so loud, and the whole class laughed." Everything in you wants to say, "Why would she do that? That's so rude!" Instead, nod your head and smile. She opened the door—don't slam it shut. Watching movies is also an easy way to relate to your pre-teen, especially comedies involving girls and women. Bonding over similarities may open a conversation.
#3 Keep a secret: Not sharing personal information she divulges to you will create trust, an invaluable asset during her pre-teen years. Becoming a young woman can almost happen overnight, coming on strongly and suddenly. Parents tend to deal with this whirlwind with questions and mistrust, throwing a wrench into the relationship. Remember, your trust is a two-way street. You'll rarely get a second chance should you betray that trust. Unless it's a dire emergency, keep her secrets sacred.
#4 Empathize: Girls, ages 10-14, are not easy. Your tween's body is transitioning from girl to woman, with her having zero control over any of it. Hormones, puberty, and the realization the world may not be all rainbows and butterflies are becoming her new reality. Women have more outlets for dealing with emotions regarding change—having a glass of wine with girlfriends, pursuing counseling, yoga, self-help books, etc. Your pre-teen may be embarrassed to tell anyone she's gotten her period, let alone share all of her thoughts and feelings. If your tween is having a particularly rough day, try placing some of her favorite candy in her room with a smiley face post-it. She'll know you're there for her, will be touched by the gesture, and relieved you're not breathing down her neck.
#5 Privacy: Give her space. She's trying to understand what's happening to her body. She may be tired all the time, and again, the hormones are on overdrive. If she doesn't feel like watching the family movie, let her go. It won't be forever. That's not to say she should live in her room, but if she needs some time by herself, give it to her. We women know better than anyone how sacred and healing alone time can be. It's the same for your pre-teen.
There's much to discuss on this topic. Look for Part II soon!
If you enjoy my blogs, please consider purchasing Book 1 of my series, The Rebecca Chronicles. The topics in my blogs are a direct reflection of what I write in my books.
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